Ode to Being Absorbed

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I think I would like to be
part of a trunk
that extends back to three or four years ago,
or a distant past that I will
partly connect with
the next tree over,
the shingle on a dilapitated roof,
somewhere on a coastline
that I’ve never walked on.

There,
a man in a long grey overcoat
will extend his fingery hand
to hold me,
and I am met alongside a book with an unhinged spine,
floppy like the ears of a soft dog,
and grey green like moss in winter.

He has no smile,
but his eyes betray lost happiness.
There is a wilderness behind him,
but he has only ever known the ocean.

I tell him
to go back to the treeline
instead of the foam that he so adores,
but only single syllables can
exit his mouth:

yes,
left,
go,
stay,
light.

The name of the sea is petunia,
and he spells this out with me on the sand,
but says “pet”,
and so we play with her like a dog;
flickering her wave tails and trying to catch her as she grabs me,
fetches us back conches and seaweeds.

I did not dissolve again
into the tree,
but I wanted to so much.
then again—
so would the day,
and he wasn’t complaining.

Copyright 2017 Golden Star Poetry

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Cornucopia Family Ties

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brimming white blankets and you a centerfold in it
angel,
stuck with the two axes of your arms and legs
pointing like gods own fingers towards the sun,
and the heavens,
and a cotton-candy world that was made
for you
to live in,
for planting heart shaped petal kisses
and palms of pink paint, spelling your name and
the name of a certain strain of
butterfly.
(anti social(,at times negligeble for what we’d call “ambi social))
spilled words and i’m sorries that
didn’t mean much to you,
or perhaps it was just a
missed connection through the
english channel
that made me think
you didn’t really love me anymore
and my fire was too hot,
and your fire was so small.

pro tector of all that is holy,
please be merciful (i said)
on that holy day when day is night in the
middle of the day,
and the birds stop their singing
and the crickets stop their cricketing
and money is of no value,
i seep into your translucent skin,
finding nutrients that no one could concieve of
and that minds could not listen,
forged myself into you
and my new family,
my mother (a soft-ripened peach)
my father (a tough, calloused mellon)
and you,
my brother
my yellow apple brother,
not yet browned and crisped with dewdrops.

i live while you laugh,
and this family is riddled with too many
that cover up for the sound of cries
because i was the only fruit in the basket
who didn’t like lies.

Copyright 2017 Golden Star Poetry

A Man As a Gun

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to pester myself until I find myself,
scattered in places beyond the places,
reaching for things that I can’t
have.

upwards swinging on a downward spiral,
the edges of the minutes are my own minutes,
and though your minutes may closely match
my minutes,
they are not as heavy or as old.

I dug into skin that wasn’t there,
as renewed memories, blood rose to tops of hairs like
internal bleeding run amok,
floods of my own self and My Desires,
exeptions of gravity time space
so could fall into a perfect uncertainty,
and the old just-standing-and-existing feeling of
being able to see a person and
know that they feel nothing remotely close
to the agonies of being human:

or if they did,
marvelous as it was how they could
fit their parts of being into this nonplussed, nonevented,
nonremorse-anxiety,
to find themselves existing in a miraculous hampering,
(tho i am the one that knows how to survive,
and where to find the fire,
so i say,
in the building of you).

Copyright 2017 Golden Star Poetry

Something

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Foreign bodies,
(yours means
something
to me
when there
a long time,
but really ornimental,
nothing).

Foreign eyes,
(only yours
im scared of
looking into
a long time,
but it’s really just optics,
nothing).

Foreign mouths,
(only yours
means something when
smiling a big smile,
but truly just
a facial organ,
nothing).

Nothing-nothing-nothing and it’s
what i’m drowning in,
like a
trapped mouse
feeding off of stale bread,
hoping to see a better day next,
as i
milk out every last drop of you that
does not and will not rest,
the fear and heartache souring your breath,
the nothing gaps that holy your chest,

so i wish up the love
and i wish up the dream
and wish it all up so it can all seem
something:

but it’s the something that does not exist
that i am in love with, o true!
as i am spinning a tall tale of pumpkins and you,
a tall tale on the edge of the conversation,
a tall tale spun from the imagination,
of crying and laughing,
of staying and dashing
of goodbye and hello
of where’d you come and where’d you go,
of what’s your name i’ll say hello
of should i be naive or should i know,
as you
understand what i’m feeling,
and then decide on responding to that by
feeling nothing:
all i ever wanted
was just a little
something
to have around.

Copyright 2017 Golden Star Poetry

Bitte

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When will you be back?
why what do i feel
this is not even,
you are not even real,
yellow transposed by blue,
whit eon black,
your style is a
hue.
your pastel loneliness,
i wish u were a girl,
oh how i wish
you were a tall lovely
girl,
not u.
When will you be back?

when i was in thekitchenandi
told you all about you,
on my mind,
all the time
i was crying and your smile seemed
dismembered,
still trying so damn hard to hold onto a
joke.

spilling ink onto you,
onto the frame onto the picture,
filled with the epitome of
self
expression;
do u want me,
or are u just too scared?

piled up upon,
i do not even think you are
substantial,
i kno this for a fact,
but u r there.

air between your bones,
your teeth,
your ribs and scull,
and nothing in between the in between the air,
but more nothingness
that i want to extract something
from.

bitte
bitte
bitte
bitte
i will bitte for you, please and
thank for you,
piss and pray for you,
bitte and claw my way toward nothing and you
and some thing we call a minor third means destined fool
a cold perhaps kiss?
too late,
too much anyway
(bitte).

Copyright 2017 Golden Star Poetry 2017

car park friend

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i feel empty and alone—
full and together—
at the same time
with you;

perhaps—
the anticipation as a numbness
the love like a full belly
together makes
for lots of fouls
and felt mistakes.

i feel,
i grasp,
i want for more,
for the everything,
for the everything which certainly definitely positively not you,
for the what you stand for and what i’m still enraged i’ve
yet to find and hold and keep
and stare into and pray and love and fastly in my sleep.

you are a rugged boy,
a limp and a side step and a smile boy,
and you mean nothing to me
(stay a little while)

fill me up while you empty me out
empty boy,
thin boy,
thin boy,
frail boy,
frail frail music mind,
frail frail left behind,

minimize
any urge to
briefly kiss your eyes,
for i do not love you,
but i wished
that i do
(oh how i miss
u,
o what sur-
rpise).

Copyright 2017 Golden Star Poetry

An Unhinged Door

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so much has been changing, rearranging,
i hardly feel like myself anymore.
i live day by day,
unamazed, unfazed,
not dazed and
yet to be hazed,
jaded in ways i never knew were possible.
Of course i had pictured the days a bit harrowing,
but i can’t understand how my world view has been narrowing narrowing narrowing,
a green lawn
and a yawn
and a grey-brown-white sparrow wing,
nostalgia for the Worst City in the World in spurts and shudders,
like a spuddering car in need of an oil change.

My only sign of trust was the flirtation at the supermarket ((where am I what am i so much to do so much to prioritize)), i just want to live my life, get away from this Tie to me, this one Tie that won’t leave me alone. it would be so much easier if i was On My Own.

Copyright 2017 Golden Star Poetry