“Shouts and Murmurs” (“The new yorker”-esque piece) -hello my name is bob

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 I don’t usually post stuff like this but It’s a bit of a joke. It’s a bit like a section in the magazine “The New Yorker” called “Shouts and murmurs”, which is always completely stupid and outrageous . I hope it makes you laugh.

It contrasts the way a teenager would write in a school  essay and how he would speak  in real life. 

 

Hello. My name is bob. I am a dandy and enjoy fishing for kosher fish. I do not resemble anyone and am very self conscious. My mother is old. She is a gypsy and does not have a job. sometimes she will read my palm for me, but her prophesy is always the same: ” you have a girl after you, but don’t worry because once she gets to know you she will be sad. why, Bobbie? we have already covered this topic, Bobbie . it is because your life and your personality will be always boring ,boring, boring. you will try to have fun but your life will still be boring.”. She IS right. There IS a girl after me. But her life is not boring. well, that’s not so bad.  and besides I hate her so why bother? She has never said to me that she is after me, she is a girl. But I ignore her now. now she leaves me alone. no she doesn’t. I suspected from the beginning. sorry, this is getting out of hand.  My name is bob, but I will write how I speak:

 

so, yeah, My name is bob, like I said. Some girl thinks that I’m a dandy (whatever the **** that is)

and I keep kosher…but When I get older I’m gonna eat bacon like there’s no tomorrow.

Actually, wait, no, i don’t know-pork is kinda fattening, right? cuz, like, I diet because I don’t wanna be fat….

I was talking to my friends and I ditched class for like the billionth time…George was so freaking scared…It was hilarious.

no really, you should have seen his face.

he was a flipping  razor shark without any persipitaing monuments!

yo, but really, that’s how I used to talk  to the girl,

but now actually i have to talk to her like a normal person if she does,

so she’s like “hi”

and I’l just say “hello, who are you, what school do you go to?”

and she’l be laughing or whatever but I’l just walk to my next class or I wont even care

anyways, there’s this really hot girl in her grade and i talk to her because she just, like,

doesn’t talk or whatever, I don’t’ know.

yeah, did you see her?

no, actually, I like Mia, she’s like my whole friggen  life.

I have to go, my mom’s calling me, she’s gonna get pissed If i don’t come,

no seriously, Seriously,

okay, bye.

Copyright 2013 Golden Star Poetry

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