Tag Archives: comedy

Aside

dear readers: “not your average day police claim” is NOT a true story, despite the fact that the places i mention do exist.

Kirsten had always dreamed of working at the post office or the county jail. Daily living and house chores were her bread and butter, and she craved it with a passion. Everything that was banal seemed to sing to her with an effervescent joy, and even the prospect of brushing her teeth filled her with a strange sort of wonder. Today was a Monday, and her school was having a taste of danger.
Wanted serial killer number twelve had just escaped from the Terre Haute Federal Correctional Complex and was passing through the small town. Kirsten did not like the sound of it at all- and not because she was afraid of menacing criminals, but simply because it was disrupting her average Monday drone.At the moment, she was fumbling around in the dark, musty classroom of Mr. Bingler’s English class, trying vainly to whisper a conversation to her friend, Nora.  Nora suffered from over twelve different illnesses, none of which Kirsten could pronounce or differentiate from one another, and all of which seemed perfectly plausible at any given moment. Nora’s favorite of the twelve was the piercingly white hair she acquired from living with Waardenburg syndrome.

Unfortunately, this ailment also left Nora with a very bad left ear, and blurry vision, which bore Kirsten’s whispering attempts quite fruitless. As mentioned previously, Kirsten also had the inability to remember all of the diseases Nora suffered from, and so she carried on whispering, unfazed by her friend’s lack of response. Andrew Klein, who sat next to Kirsten, was enjoying the awkward exchange between his fellow pupils. Most of the school knew of this unusual friendship, but had failed to communicate this knowledge to their peers, for fear that it would be considered unthinkable to speak of such lowly peasants, or-as they were affectionately called by the rest of the student body -“nerds”. This label, oddly enough, was not quite accurate in this case, despite The girls’ nebbishy outward appearances. Kirsten was failing three of her classes, and Nora was quite unable to work in the school environment at all. The disabled program at the school was unable to find a suitable category in which to place her, and had no option but to file her under the title of “hopeless case”.
Of course, in order to resume this saga of unusual proportions, one must be reminded of the horrors awaiting Kirsten and Nora’s hometown. As the students sat cramped and sweaty in the dank unlit classrooms of Alpine Mountain high school, the Wanted serial Killer (whose name was Artie) was sweeping across the city in a frantic rage. Fortunately, the townsfolk knew how to carry out the mandated precautions like the backs of their hands. They had all been trained at early ages on how to prepare for all types of disasters, due to the hard work and effort of the late Martha James Brawn (1875-1960), a nurse and educator at St. Mary-Of-The-woods College, and the pride and Joy of Terre Haute city.
Artie the serial killer was not that surprised to see that the place was in a state of great angst. He had escaped from prison on a dare. He spoke in a strange dialect not known to most city dwellers and was having a hard time communicating his situation to people. In reality, Artie was not trying to pose as a threat to anyone. The act of looting and thieving was second nature to him, almost the same as an impulsive reflex. No, on the contrary, he had been forced into most of his earlier gang activity and found it quite unfair for the government to rule him out as a real danger to anyone.
Or, as Artie would have put it “I had more friends nutted up than me most times. The whole thing is just a load of bum beef. All I got was a case of broke weak when they called me a cracker. They just made me do shit cause all I had was drag and they said they heard it a thousand times already. I put it on my skin!” The killer took the rest of the day committing crimes until he was captured fisherman named Gregory Ipswich, and was sent back to the Terre Haute Federal Correctional Complex, safe and sound. Kirsten could have sworn she had never been so happy.
Copyright 2013 Golden Star Poetry

Not your average day, Police Claim — a fictional story by me, golden star poetry

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My Dad’s Lawyer’s Friend’s Daughter’s Name is Muriel

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My Dad’s Lawyer’s Friend’s Daughter’s Name is Muriel

She was real fancy, even down to the way she would spread Nutella onto her toast. You know, the way they do it in the commercials. I tried it ,but I think she does it better. Anyhow, she showed up last night at our house because dad’s lawyer friend was over, -I think He’s something of a millionaire-and this girl’s his daughter. I had to ask her if she went to boarding school or something fancy like that, but she just said she went to private school. And then, after dessert, my brother Frank had the nerve to say “aw, why are y’always askin’ her questions like that? Hey, look! Trudy’s got her eye on Muriel!” . And then dad had to shut him up. I don’t know what’s gotten into him teasing me like that, saying I fancy her. Doesn’t he see all the posters I got up in my room of Carry Grant?

Anyway, one time Muriel was in the living room, and the sun was going all over the couch, and she kind of looked like this delicate little angel sitting there just quiet, just thinking, and then I asked her-but I don’t know why, maybe because she was just so pretty- “Muriel, do you have a Boyfriend?”. Then she came back to life suddenly from her thinking pose, and gave me this twisted sort of grin and said “girl’s don’t get a real beux until they graduate from high school” -as If I was supposed to know. Last year I was real sweet on my Fifth grade History teacher, Mister Daniels, but then When I told my friend Beatrice about it, she went on and on about how I was going to get arrested for that, and she got me scared stiff. Well, except for I’m not scared of carry Grant, ’cause he’s just a movie star. Last week I saw him in North by northwest, but I snuck into the theater on account of the rating system or something. But I didn’t get the ending. So then I asked Muriel If she wanted a Boyfriend anyway, and her face got sad all of a sudden. She looked real wistful for a few seconds, just looking out of the window, and then she said “I guess, but my father won’t let me have one”.

I don’t know what I felt then. I guess I felt glad that my father isn’t a millionaire.

School update!!!!

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As many of you do not know, my Freshman High School days lurk ever closer from the depths of my summer cocoon.

Therefore, I will  be faced with numerous challenges (a.k.a a large workload!) VERY SOON.

THIS MEANS INFREQUENT POSTING! (wait, I’ve already started to do that…hmmm…)

BUT!! fear not, good gentlefolk!!!!

I am planning to change my posting schedule to once a week instead of once a day!

on some occasions I may only post once every two. (*GASP*)

On those occasions I will give you all proper notice in advance, so do not fear!

Alrighty, then-

peace out, friends!

–Golden Star Poetry

The Conversation

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BEN: God, I’m livid. the house caught on fire,

GOD: I know-

BEN: SHUT UP!

GOD: DO NOT TELL GOD TO SHUT UP!

BEN: As I was saying.

GOD: (crossing his arms) Continue.

BEN: The house caught on fire, Nancy has cancer, Amy is sick with whooping cough, James is broke, and Daniel still doesn’t have a girlfriend-

GOD: Figures

BEN: HEY! he was my friend, okay?

GOD: I’m just saying he could have asked for my help!

BEN: Well, you know he’s atheist, I’m sorry. I’m sorry he offended your compassionate little heart there, but uh, yeah, no use convincing him…(winces) ..like I said God, we’re not all that clear in our heads… I mean, I just really want some peace and quiet. Something that will let me know that this  string of horrors is going to be over and I can reassure myself that you exist.

GOD: but you never needed reassuring, Benjamin.

BEN: I know, I know. but I’m older now and…I mean..I think everyone gets doubtful once in a while.

GOD: What’s there to doubt?

BEN: I don’t think you’d understand it, God. it’s a…it’s a mortal thing. We- cling to our senses and what our mind tells us and nothing else. It’s why I’d still like it if you helped us out more…

GOD: Son, have you ever heard the phrase “everything happens for a reason” ?

BEN: (long pause) really?

GOD: I’m just saying, maybe you should start thinking about the divine purpose behind everything that goes on in your life.

BEN: Arrrgk, stop with all the philosophy! I just wanted to complain, just wanted some answers- I didn’t want a lecture. But, of course, I knew I wasn’t going to get it anyway, so what was I thinking?

GOD: (smiles) have a good day, Benjamin

BEN: Yeah, have a great one.

Copyright 2013 Golden Star Poetry

 

Inkblot Test

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Yes! you guessed!

This is the Rorschach inkblot test!

No worries, friend! Please! have a rest!

No, no, I assure you

You aren’t being a pest!

Now, try your very best

To see what you see in the ink blots

Lest

We might call the asylum at my behest.

Copyright 2013 Golden Star Poetry

The sonnet project: Sonnet # 11

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The Sleepwalking, Mad-talking, Hedgehogging mouse

Or

Why Doctors Aren’t Worth the Money

The hearth has burned for hours now, it seems

My head is aching too, I’m sured

Of all the things I whispered in my dreams

For walkers never sleep until they’re cured.

Last night I think I swatted at the flies

And shrieked with laughter at the harvest moon

But through it all I simply closed my eyes

And when I woke it was the afternoon!

The doctors have all tried and failed their case

And watched in vain as I’d romp round the house

They said my madness could not be erased

But it was all because I was a mouse!

What good does it do to heal a rodent?

The pills never work, no matter how potent!

Copyright 2013 Golden Star Poetry

Update, Real apology, and a Poem

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I just got my official Scholastic award diplomas this week!!!! it was amazing 🙂

Apology for not posting…

here is the poem: it is one that I submitted to the awards, which unfortunately was not awarded anything….oh god….I can’t go into all that all over agian….the pain….the searing pain of loss and realization and heavy disappointment all at once!

sorry for the over dramatic touch, I guess I’ve had a silly day.

OH! my story!

today I walked out of school to take the public bus home, when, to my surprise, I saw that the street had been newly paved. “Golly!” I thought excitedly “now It won’t feel like I’m stuck on some unfinished road in Nebraska when we come to school in the morning!”.

In an attempt at sarcasm, I got to the end of the street, rolling my wheeled backpack to and fro over the cement and said, dumbfounded “IT’S A ROAD!” as if to say ” ITS AN ACTUAL ROAD NOW, CAN YOU BELIEVE IT? BEFORE, IT WAS JUST POTHOLES!” . But of course, silly me, I didn’t say that. I soon realized how  loony I sounded. To make it worse  a lady who was passing by gave me the strangest look as she went past me and it was hard not to have  a laugh attack after she left!

and here is the poem, seriously this time:

BAYOU WATCH 

at the television we sit

a bayou watch

towers above heaven like a storm cloud

juxtaposing the atmosphere of earth with the falling rain

the sunrays sighing

and a dripping drain

the bayou watch

sitting, quietly, sucking his thumbs

crying for attention

he hogs up your electricity bill

and you throw him out.

nervously you are sucking your own thumbs

unaware of your deprivation.

Copyright 2013 Golden Star Poetry